It is rainy outside, and I can not believe it has lasted nearly 3 days. My mood is also wet now just like the weather in Singapore. Eric told me when he stayed in Singapore there was only no more than 1 times it rained all day long. Maybe above life of mine was Rain God, then every time when friends come to my city, it would rain, just like 1st May in 2004 and this time. Although a friend of mine told me the perfect is not perfect, and the real perfect is hope. But do flaw really make hope exist? I can not find hope here.
I want to leave, really want. This idea is no more intense like now. I can not find myself here, and I like a ghost living in Singapore. Sometimes when I study in centre library, I do not know what I am studying in and what I am researching in. I do not know why I am here and after these 2 years where I should go. Every time I think this problem, I must lost.
Looking back the past half year, it have seemed I was busy and enriched, but in fact all this was pseudomorph, and I only entered an area I do not familiar.
Eric told me I am the girl who only insist my own idea and never accept the suggestion from others. I do not feel regret resign from bank. What I am indignant is what the life I want. If I can not find the answer of this question, I think I would always change my existing life until someday I find the answer.
Now I feel afraid I would give up.
Last day, when I stared my reflection in the mirror at Malacca, is really me, black eye socket, edema face, multitudinous smallpox? If f4 was not outside that time, I think I would cry. I miss my family, my friends and peaceful life.
Some guy now told me just 2 years could pass so quickly, and I can pretend to interested in everything. Just like the old song sang “When I wear a mask, I can fool the world but I can not fool myself”, maybe I must learn to fool myself.
Do not be surprise for any decision I made.
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