Farewell? Not necessarily..

Three years and a month ago, I traveled from Marseille to Antwerp. I still remember how much I cried in the train. Even the ticket inspector tried to console me with his terrible English. How time flies! Now I am moving back to France. But this time, I know I won't cry. Farewell is for the city, but friendship stays.

Being a transient expat, who moves on every two or three years, I often bump into people I met half way across the globe, and I think I am already getting use to it. Although it is always sad when somebody moves on including myself. Goodbyes are hard, but a trunkful of memoirs will be with you all your life.

Farewell? Not necessarily...until we meet again.

Today I checked out from the apartment I stayed for the last three years. When the agency put a tag on everything he examined, I know that was it - the time to say goodbye. Still I cannot stop being sentimental at this very moment.

One of my friends wrote something really touching on facebook two years ago when he left Antwerp, one sentence I always remember was "I will miss the penguin-like jewish kids and their penguin-like mother in Harmonepark". It is just one of things he listed about multicultural landscape of this city. For sure, I will miss it also. This multicultural community just makes this city so enjoyable for the expat. Wherever I am going for the next, it won't be the same.

I will miss the most is my friends here, who are like my families. But if I never made effort to make friends all the same when I moved here even I knew I won't stay for long, there would never be a close bond between us. It is definitely worth forming these close bonds. My life is richer because of my friendships with them. I believe I will meet the same nice people as people I love in Antwerp, and it will be the same sad when they move on or me. The intensity of the friendship lessens over the miles and years, but the memories don't. And if by chance we happen to bump into one another again in anywhere on this planet, we will just pick up where we left off. A few more grey hairs, a few more hard-earned life lines, a lot of experiences that we have to share before one of us moves off again. World is small and this could happen easily, I believe.

By coincidence, two days ago I went to the cinema watching "dawn of planet of apes", when the photo of James Franco and chimp Cesar was showed on the big screen, "rise of planet of apes" was the first movie I watched with a group of friends three years ago when I just moved to Antwerp. In the blink of an eye, even the sequel has been already out.

Now here I am, I came I go. And see you soon. But no farewell.

To live each day as your last---2013 in review

It is going to be a ritual for me to do this kind of annual review, which gives me a chance to retrospect the past and prospect the future, or just simply a summary of a yearly life.

My 2013 was calm, nothing special happened. I still clearly remember the family dinner for the new year in China, but suddenly we are already in 2014. My feeling totally confirmed the adage "the older you are the faster time goes". The problem is that, as time marches on, life may become more routine, more mundane. Hence, you create fewer memory bumps, which give you the feeling that time is moving very quickly.

What could I do to slow down the time?

In my opinion, the secret medicine is that to live each day as your last. Everyday is a new day and an opportunity for one more day to make a difference, no more routines, no more mundaneness.

I eagerly need something like a big millstone happening in 2014. Nothing would never happen voluntarily,  so I must work hard on it not using the excuse “I can do that later” or “I can quit doing this later”. 

"To live each day as your last" was the title which I put in the blogger editing in October after watching the movie "rush". Actually it is the quote from the main character James Hunt. It was a beautiful movie, which described the most sparkling moment of James' life. There were so many things I was thinking of after the movies. But as my procrastination way, I put the beginning, and never got the chance to finish it. And now I use it for another blog, but this time I push myself to finish it. So the first thing I should quit is my procrastination.

Well back to the topic, 2013 in review.

It was the coldest and longest winter in my life, till almost May, which was also the most miserable time (I am pretty sure it was) as well. I was confused about my personal life and stuck to the idea of finding a new job without actions. All I can see now of that period is blurred and grey. 

Finally in May, I felt that I could not keep going on like that. I started to do my job hunting and look for changes. In June, for my birthday I was at Roland Garros. It was an amazing experience. Since Roland Garros has an almost fixed date every year. I feel the urge to come there for my birthday hereafter. 

In summer, I started to get a lot of rejections and few interviews, mixture feeling of the future. I went to Puglia with my "Antwerp family", which gave me a good opportunity to stay away from my tiring routine life. After that, I had a period of anxious waiting for the result of interviews. And I went to Hallstatt for another break, which was the only solo trip I made in 2013. Hallstatt is such a nice town, cute as a fairytale place. At the end, I got offers but I didn't accept them because of different reasons. The first circle seemed end up with dissatisfaction. 

I restarted to become lazy after all those disappointments. At the end of year, I went to Malta and mediated a lot about what I wanted to do for the next. 

Now, I am sitting in the cafe and feel excited about what will be happening in 2014. 

Attitude is everything. Without an effort, nothing will happen. Life can be short, but cannot be full of regrets. 

I am quite discontented about what I just wrote, and I feel like I don't know how to write anymore. But at least I am keeping writing. 

To live each day as your last. 

Do myself a favor: travel alone!

Being alone is something people can only learn to appreciate with ages.

When you are a baby, there is no doubt that you must be with someone, because you cannot even eat, pee, or anything by yourself. As a child, you need to learn different things and play with the others. Being a teenager, you might want be alone from your parents, but never with your friends. Gradually, you don't want spend all the time with your family, friends, relationships. Because so much of our daily life is about accommodating others, which is how it is should be in social situations. Traveling alone give a perfect chance to to step back from the status as a wife, coworker, friend, __ and just be yourself as whoever you want.

I love traveling alone, and just be Ivy who sometimes skips talking for the whole day, and sometimes likes wearing things that don't exactly match, and sometimes wants to do street viewing for quite a long time because its kind of interesting.

My best travel experiences have always been while traveling alone: invited to a Tibetan home for an overnight staying for a shooting star night, invited to road trip by a tractor, invited to a sailing race at a fantastic day. Yes, I have definitely had challenging and risks. All these difficulties help me feel independent and be more self-affirming.

Traveling alone also gives me a chance to meet myself. Of course, I could also meet people. But first, myself. I experience the world's delights with the perfect use of my own nostrils, tongue and touch. I believe that traveling alone is the last great test of who you are in a world where everyone aches to be the same.

The fun starts with the choices, which actually I hate it the most. But it is always easier alone than more. Will I be cycling through the mountain in New Zealand? Riding horse in Tibet? Staying in the boat overnight at the boat from Stockholm to Helsinki? Doing yoga in front of a perfect blue sea in Bali?

And then you will enjoy the most of independence. "From midday to dusk I have been roaming the streets, at last -- for the first time -- I live!" wrote by Henry James. Yes, I opened the window onto the Grand Canal and felt the breeze; ordered room service and pressed my face against a cotton pillow; took out the books during the break of mountain cycling; took off my shoes and died of bliss. I experienced what I want to enjoy without any distraction. My time is entirely my own.

Traveling alone is a great way to re-center, to escape from the details of daily life that can distract us from our own big picture and to come back with a new sense of self-sufficiency and purpose.

Surely I also had really great experience to travel with people, or visit friend's city. And as you know, I am such a lazy ass. If somebody arranged things for me, I didn't do any check for basic information, fully trusting of the others. So I urged myself finally make my solo trip to Hallstatt for this year, still combined with the visiting to Vienna to see my dear friend.

And then it's the moment of: I am here, right now, and I am on the way.

Life without Facebook

I had been flirting with the idea of deactivating or shutting down my Facebook account for a while. Increasingly convinced that I was so unhealthy preoccupied by that website, I would still waste time to craft absurd numbers of witty wall posts, imagining how it would look through the eyes of the others by generating the most “likes”.  When I cannot help stalking someone I shouldn’t care, the monotony of Facebook finally got on me and I quitted. But I didn’t delete the account.

After eight months of life without Facebook, surprisingly, how little I miss it. My friends made fun of me as an anachronism, when they were forced by the fact I wasn’t on Facebook to contact me by emails or messages. Sure, I feel out of the loop when gossip was around or jokes from Facebook were mentioned.

However, compared to what I have gained, life without Facebook is tremendous. My day is quitter now in my mind world. I might miss a lot of interesting details of others’ life, but I got most important things by personal contact. No longer do I wonder about what is or isn’t worth sharing online. Instead, I focus on more introspective stuff. I read, I watch, I write (still not that much), I have long conversations with my friends, and learn things. I am still able to express myself by talking face to face, or this blog (rarely be reviewed).

Life overseas seems strange without Facebook when most of your friends are scattered over every continents. But have you even thought about that friendships take place not through the amount of comments, likes or messages we share.  Are these the friendships themselves? Friendships should be in a heart to heart type of fashion. Sometimes we lose track of it. It is not that important being always connected, and the connection in hearts is the only thing real.

I must admit sometime I miss the convenience and the social connectedness that Facebook provides. But it is useful to learn to stand on my own. It is powerful to know I can. At the end, “life everywhere is life, life is in ourselves and not in the external”. 

I am thinking about getting back on anytime soon. I know I am a different user now.

Amour: everybody needs somebody

I waited quite a long time to finally watch the french movie "amour". Disease, aging, death, whatelse could be worse than these three topics for me? Well, this movie includes all of them, and love, which I never believe. No doubt how hard to watch this movie for me.

Originally two-hours movie took me three hours, because some plots were so hard to digest, I must pause to make myself calm to continue.

In our live death is not avoidable. Death itself is not terrifying. What is terrifying is the fact people alive need to confront the death. Two years before, I went to the funeral of my friend's dad. That was the first funeral I have ever attended  The moment when I saw the corpse, I cried for no reason. I wasn't even familiar with my friend's dad. I met him at most two or three times. It was just the truth that he was lying there without knowing what we were doing at that moment. I was scared.

The story of the movie is so simple, and there is almost no plot in a certain way. The could be described into one sentence: old lady got sick, she suffered, and then died. But what is complicated is behind the story -- amour.

I love this movie, especially all those details.

Anne had a happy life even with terrible strokes at the end of the life, one of the most important reason is Georges. I don't know at the age of 80s, what is love for them. Scientists tell us that love is related to oxytocin levels. The study, published in Psychoneuroendocrinology, showed that oxytocin levels could not last long. Researchers measured levels of oxytocin in people who had recently begun relationships. Six months later, the couples with the higher levels of oxytocin tended to still be together. If oxytocin level is the index of love, well, it won't be surprised to see low level of this couple. It is just a guess, but maybe it could be super high as well. I don't believe "love", or in other way, I don't believe the terminology of "love". Love could be explained as responsibility, accompanying, supporting and etc.

Like in the movie, Anne probably experienced the worst time of her life because of stroke. Georges was the person who can only support her at that time. I call it "love". She didn't loss the will of living right away after the first stroke. However, the disease destroyed her. She gave up her own life. But Georges didn't. How brave he was, made the most difficult decision for himself. In my opinion, he totally understood her and love lead that ending of the movie.

So at the end, do we really believe love, or just everybody needs somebody to comfort each other.

Saint-Valentine day is coming soon..hope everybody get somebody..and be happy:)

2012 in review: a flying year against conventional wisdom

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, conventional wisdom is "the generally accepted belief, opinion, judgment, or prediction about a particular matter". But is conventional wisdom always true? should we always follow it?

When I look back my whole 2012, these two questions come out.

After 2011 "a year of changes", I continued staying in the same city and job in 2012. I started to feel the stable status of life. Temporarily I don't need to think about where I am going and what I should do next. Remaining calm is something I appreciate now. That's what people said about becoming old. It is the fact I cannot deny. Two of my best friends got married. I went back China in January to participate a male friend's wedding. Just a week later, another female friend announced that she got married, which was completely a big surprise among our friends. When I told my family, they all asked me when it is my turn. All conventional wisdom assume that girls need to get married before 30. It doesn't matter what this marriage is about, the importance is getting married. Me..obviously against it..but I guess that I just haven't met my Mr Right yet.

The first half a year was placid. Emotionally I controlled myself and didn't let myself fall into an uncertain involvement. But all conventional wisdom seems suggest people follow their true emotion. Should I? For work, I kept my own pace. I think I am not very ambitious and I do what I suppose to do. But shouldn't people at my age behaviour more aggressively since I am at golden age for my career? In life, I still keep my way of living, a lot of music, party and enjoyment. Shouldn't I be more responsible for my owe future?

In June I flied back to Marseille for my "important" birthday. I am getting old and I am afraid to accept it. Who told me "people get smarter as you age"? I was happy to get all the wishes from all over the world..but I was just not in a big party mood..birthday is just another day...nothing changes because of it. Marseille..a part of me gonna be stay there for ever..just in one year time..it changed a lot..from the part I knew and the part I never knew. Almost all the friends I used to have there moved somewhere, I guess I have almost no reason to go there. Better, probably, memory is always the best.

My family came to visit me in July, a big group of them. For my dear mum, it was her first time to come to europe. I was so happy to show her where I am living now. But for a person above 55 years, it is not easy to be open for every new things. All conventional wisdom they used to have seems not working in western way. They could feel fresh for a while, but not accept it. Anyway, we had very good two weeks time spending together.

In August, I did skydiving immediately the day after the opening of London Olympic game. People send me sms that night whether I got the inspiration from the queen. It was such a nice experience. The first time in my life I felt like I was actually flying. If it is not such an expensive activity, I probably already became addict to it. In that short almost one minute freefall, my brain was really empty. I wish I could always be like in that one minute, empty myself and be light.

In September, I quit facebook. I am a very procrastinated person. I was thinking it in June. But delayed,delayed, and delayed, finally I made the action. Facebook absolutely is a good tool for communication and keeping network. However, it is over rated. I got tons of useless information from facebook. My attentions was distracted much more because of it. I must admit I am not a conscious people, sometime I just go to facebook and browse like 30 seconds for no reason. I wanted to give myself a piece of quite time. Do we really need that much connections? These months passed, I wasn't alone all the time. Yes, I reduced my social activities. But I have more time to spend to those people I care. Am I going back? I never close the door..so.

At the end of October, I went to Cuba with a friend, short but amazing. There were so many stories happened during that 9 days. What I thought the most was similar to what I though when I came back from Tibet. Honestly, from our point of view, people living in Cuba are poor. I guess we use our standard conventional wisdom. But they seemed much happier than those people we met everyday. Come on, people in Europe they are complaining all the time and it looks like they are living in the hell; people in east Asia never stop to work and it seems like they only care about money; people in American they are competitive for everything, shall they just be released a little bit? Most Cubans are smiling all the time, willing to help, and loving to share. What we thought about development probably could make people living better, but not be happier. Should we really have to impose our way to them? Yes they could open their country, get what we call "democracy", kids will know ipod, sps, nds like kids on the other side of the planet, whether could they keep smiling like now or become like all the others never be satisfied?

At the end of year, I took a month off and went to New Zealand. What a fantastic trip I had! Beautiful landscape, friendly people, all kinds of outdoor sports, what else you want from a holiday? My favorite place during this trip was the lake Tekapo. The lake itself is with jade blue kind of color, surrounded by year-round snow-capped mountains. Any language description sounds so plain to describe the beauty of this area. I also saw one of the most beautiful star sky in my life. Totally opposite from the astronomy knowledge I had from the north hemisphere, I saw a completely different star sky. And have you ever realized that the north and south in the north hemisphere is totally opposite from the south hemisphere. Even for these simple facts, conventional wisdom works in a different way. 

On 21st December 2012, I went to sailing around sea side of Auckland. On the boat, my friend and I were the youngest. All the rest were much older. But they seemed having so much fun and enjoying every moment of the life. As you probably know, how I am afraid of aging. When we were in the sea, far away from anywhere, I had a sudden feeling that being old is never being a difficult thing. But honestly, when I got standing on the ground, it was gone.

21st December 2012, Maya's worst apocalypse, the much-anticipated date for the end of the world finally passed. The earth still rotated on 22nd December 2012 like an any other day; 21st December, an end of nothing, perfectly described my whole 2012. Just watched the last episode of How I Met Your Mother of 2012 yesterday, even Barney stopped playing. Should we follow conventional wisdom to do what we suppose to do at certain age?

2013, keep continuing!

Dose traveling make me a better person? (Part 2/2)

I looked her, and feel suffered for myself. I asked her to give it to me and let me help. As you probably know, we had difficulties to understand each other, what a language barrier. After body language communication, she gave me all her stuff. I almost had no experience about sewing. It was not easy work for me as well. But I manage to put two pieces into one, which was quite enough. I passed everything to her. She gave me an affable smile back. I felt something touched my heart at that moment.

What she did next was completely out of my imagination. She took out a small bag under her coat and opened carefully one layer by one layer. I was curious about what she was going to do. Then she found a necklace and gave to me. I felt so overwhelmed by an unexpected favor. I didn't know what to do at that moment. I didn't know how to explain what I felt at that moment. I insisted to not take it, and she persisted, which lasted at least 3 minutes. The next thing I did was causeless. I knew that if I took no action and that situation would continue for ever, maybe. I took out 10 RMB which equals to 1.25 euros. She waved and didn't want to take the money. I insisted, and she rejected. I guess that she also realized if she didn't take that money, we would continue for another 10 minutes or whatever. She stopped, but she took out some changes from her pocket. When I saw the changes on her hand, I started to cry. Tears dropped down nonstop. The old lady looked me and didn't know what to say. She didn't understand why I burst into crying. She took her small bag again, and found some milk candies. She passed to me with her warm smile.

She sit besides me for a while. When she was leaving, she patted my shoulder. I looked her back, wiped my tears, and started to think my traveling plan for the next day. At the end, Tibet is still so beautiful. People there are still unsophisticated, honest and friendly. I saw the superficial part and misunderstood the whole. The same things happen in our life everyday, we loss our overall conscienceness by little appearances.

The next day, I joined another two guys and rented a car to Mount Everest and Nepal, which turned out to be one of the best trip in my life.

I was telling this story to a buddha I met in Tibet. He said to me "Buddha cannot be avoided. Buddha is everywhere.Enlightenment possibilities are all over the place. Everybody you meet is a buddha or has a buddha inside yourself. So the old lady was your buddha and made you change your mind of traveling. You were her buddha, not just because of you helped her. Everybody is buddha".

Dose traveling make me a better person? Yes, I think so. And I believe so.

Next week, I am going to New Zealand. Hope I can tell you something changing me during the traveling.

Dose traveling make me a better person? (Part 1/2)

Yesterday on the way back home, a friend who I met on the bus asked me a question "why do you like traveling? does it make you a better person?". I joked back "I am already the best, why do I need to be better". But deep in my heart, I questioned myself "am I a better person because of traveling". It is really hard to answer but I do share some experiences and hope I answer this question by the stories.

Undoubtedly, traveling makes people open minded. However, an open-minded person is not equal to a better person. People could be open-minded without traveling and people could be still close-minded with traveling experiences. IN GENERAL, people loving traveling are more open minded than domestic people.

Some people claim that they love traveling, but I don't believe what they say. If they just go to a different places, always stay in the hotels, continually lie on the beach, and only talk to the other tourists, we can call it as a holiday but not traveling. Traveling can be short or long, which does not matter of the length of period. But traveling people will interact with real locals, enjoy native food and explore surroundings by themselves. People always showed me hundreds of pictures of where they have been, and they talked a lot what they have seen. Is it traveling only about the places? I would highly recommend a book wrote by Alain De Botten "the art of travel". Actually in the book, he didn't encourage people to go travel as much as they can, at the end, travel is just a way of life.

I love traveling alone, which is not just because of freedom and convenience, also the reason to mediate. I totally agree that people can mediate anytime. But what we think is always constrained by your surroundings and people around you. When you are traveling, you are jumping out from your normal life, we don't need to adapt ourselves to the others. Behaviors change, so does mediation.

I guess I told several friends the story happened to me when I was in Tibet. I do like sharing here. I always said that one day I would like to write it down. Finally I get the chance.

The first few days when I was in Tibet, I wasn't happy about what I have seen. Before I went there, I had really high expectations. In my mind, Tibet should be the place sacred and purified.When I arrived Lhasa, I was already disappointed on the way from train station to my hotel. I saw a big market of electronic stuffs, mostly cellphones and mp3/4s, which you could find the same market all over the second or third line cities. Lhasa is occupied by tourism and everything there is commercial. I felt so sad. I started to doubt the reason I went there after the first day I walked around. I didn't have any plan at that moment and return ticket. I decided to give myself few more days to see how it was going on. The next several days I went to Jokhang temple, which is the most sacred and important temple for most Tibetans. Everyday there are thousands of people visiting and praying there, and hundreds of buddhist praying at Jokhang square. I spend three days sitting in front of the gate, listening all those praying in Tibetan which I didn't understand, and melting under the plateau sun. I was hoping I could change my mind and start to explore the whole Tibet. But my incentive was gone day by day. I even listened two totally different versions of the story of pillar in front of the temple. Tourists didn't care, and they just would happy to tell the others that they had been to Tibet and Jokhang temple.

Things always happened without a clue.

I was still sitting in front of the temple and planning that I might go back to my hometown instead of staying. An old Tibetan woman sit besides me. Her elbow protection was broken, and she tried to fix it. If you don't know anything about Tibetan prostrations, here I could tell you something.

A prostration is a gesture used in Buddihist practice to show reverence to the three jewels. In Tibetan tradition, people generally do full prostration, which is described like "place your hands together and touch your crown, throat and heart, then stretch your entire body on the ground and stretch both of your hands as far as possible away from you head, then rise up quickly and repeat". So when they do large number like 100000, people need to wear protections for the knees and elbows.

The woman tried to put a type of plastic wire into a needle, which was really difficult with her old age and poor quality of split wire. (TBC)

Drug Life

I don't know since when I am so interested in drug-related tv series. At this moment, I am following two drug dealer stories "weeds" and "breaking bad", and occasionally check the updates of drug obsession story "skins" and "entourage". And I used to watch "the wire", "that 70's show" and "six feet under".

In my real life, I don't drink, because I am allergic to alcohol; I don't smoke, because I choose to; I never try any kinda drugs..just I am a risk aversion person. Or I guess in my heart I am just so curious about the life I have never lived with, then I became addicted to drug-related tv series.

In general I am natural high, I don't need something external to make me feel happy. But it did happen to me sometimes, when I was not in the mood to socialize and I didn't want to stay alone, ib this case I always end up in a party but not in mood to talk to dance or to do whatever. At that moment, I wish I could be mad as those drunken people who can do whatever they want.

Well, I don't have any experience of drugs, and I could only talk about my alcohol stories. The latest one was happened in 2008, the day before my master commencement. I was with bunch of friends, and the day before that I just flied back to Asia from France. Maybe because of the joy being my own country, the jetlag from the flying, or the excitement of the next day's ceremony, I fxxxxxxxxxx decided to take a shot of whiskey. Two minutes later, believe me, I didn't exaggerate, two minutes, I vomited in the club without warning, it was disgusting, but I cannot help. Then my friend tried to drag me to the bathroom, unfortunately at the entrance of bathroom, I did it again. The cleaning lady was so mad, and she was shouting to me "you are so close to the bathroom, why do you throw up here". Well, I don't want to humiliate myself as well, sorry.

When I walked out from the bathroom, that was already 20 minutes later, I became another person. My arms got rash, my lips got swollen, and my mind was not mine. Friends suggested me to go home to get rest, as a hard core, I would never accept that suggestion. I kept vomiting and parting that whole night, and I don't need to mention the next day my flight to Singapore was at 9 o'clock in the morning.

If I remember well, after no more than 3 hours sleeping, I met my mum at the airport. No doubt, she was asking what happened, I just kept quite. 4 hours flight to Singapore was a nightmare, one of the worst trip in my life.

The commencement was great. I put a lot of make-up to cover my dark eyes, actually smoky eyes. My face was puffy, and I blamed it as fat. My mum didn't ask anything, and I believe that she knew what I did.

After that, I tempted several times to try whatever, but rationality of mine stopped me. I don't know it is good or not. Who knows, who cares..drugs, are still far away from my life, then I only feel close to them by series.

However, "weeds" and "breaking bad" are both in the last season..what I could follow to keep my drug-related series addiction.

"I still believe in paradise
but now at least i know it's not some place you can look for"

What is your strength..or talent?

I have stayed in academia bubbles for very long time. So when I was starting my job hunting in the late 2010, I realized there were so many interesting companies I have never heard about it. One of them was Gallup. When I focused on my research topic in behaviour economics, the nobel prize winner Daniel Kahneman was my "mentor". I was amazed by all his theory and experiments. His "prospect theory " was actually the guidance of my master thesis. And I found out that he is the senior scientist in Gallup. I could have chance to meet him and even work with him without staying in academia bubbles anymore, and then I applied the job there. But as you all know, I didn't get the job. Kahneman is still far away from me. That's might a too long introduction about Gallup's "strengthsfinder".

By coincidence, one of the best thing in my career of the past year was about "strengthsfinder".

Actually, I was even a joke for this survey. As a very hardcore deadline killer, after my organization send the link from Gallup, I never pay attention to do it. And one week before the deadline, my team send an email to ask top 5 strengths. I totally forgot "strengthsfinder" survey. I even talked to my officemate, "my top 5 strengths, and I need to describe myself, isn't it weird". Then I send 5 strengths from my own knowledge of myself to my team. At the end, of course, people were shocked by my answers, because they cannot find those words from Clifton strengths finder. They were wondering where I find my strengths. Two days later, my organization send another reminder to finish "strengthsfinder", I finally realized that what I send was completely wrong, but it was already too late.

But I used one of my strength from Gallup's survey to describe myself -- that is adaptability, which I consider as my real talent. That only one word made my colleagues think I was making fun of them.  And, what Gallup found for me in order  is "arranger, adaptability, maximizer, empathy and input". I could see myself into these five strengths very well. How amazing!

As everything has sunshine part, also shadow part. Strength could become weakness as well. My top two actually are very similar at least from what Gallup describes -- flexible. On the other hand, you could say directionless, indecisive, constantly changes priorities. It depends on which angle you look through.

Yesterday I finally got my whole profile. Apart from my top 5, I have chance to know my least 5 in order -- "analytical, competition, restorative, discipline, significance". To be honest, I am not afraid to expose my weakness. Especially as a evader, I could always avoid them.

However, I still feel frustrated when thinking about my job now. As a researcher, I lack of discipline and analytical. Isn't it a catastrophe? The only attribution leading to a good researcher in my profile is probably input. But collection and archive of information sound like generalist, and all researchers are specialists.

So what could I do to fit in my job? or easily change to another job where I could maximizer my strengths? or just complement myself by coordinate with the others?

Something for the one year anniversary in Belgium

How time flies, almost a year. If my friend didn't put a long farewell note on facebook, i didn't even think about it is almost a year. One week later, it is my one year anniversary in Belgium.

 I still remember the day when I was leaving Marseille. I cried almost an hour on the train. My friend who went to the train station was calling me after she saw me crying, but I just cannot speak a word and sobbed sadly. I do believe I hadn't cried so badly for at least two years. All loves, repugnance, emotions and hatred just came out when the train was starting to move. Tears were my best way of catharsis.

I love what I have done in Marseille, but I know that was the best moment I should leave. Most of my friends left or were about to leave that town, I suxed in relationship with my boss and my personal life, I was fed up by French bureaucracy and language itself, i was tired of chaos and unsafety, and i was like a french complaining about my "miserable" life. And then Belgium?

I never thought about I would end up in Belgium, and I even didn't know anything about Antwerp before I moved here. However life is following the flow. We don't need to think about it.

Nothing is perfect, so is Antwerp as well. But right now I appreciate what it is at present.

For the last almost 365 days, the most important thing I have learned was "let it go" - forgive so you can be forgiven. I used to linger on things for quite long time till making things certain. Now I know it is useless effort why not just "let it go". Life is full of burden, it doesn't matter to drop some packages. Well, I am still learning it. To really do it is not that easy. But I am trying.

I don't want to be sentimental. Sometimes I just really have good memories. A year...

The saddest marriage wish..to my best friend

Last Friday, my best friend's wedding, i was not there. Friends were using a smart phone application to broadcast all details to me, photos, audios and videos. But still, I felt sad.

She and I were really close friends, no actually she is my sister. We met each other in junior high school. Since then we have shared every step in our life, joyfulness, sadness, tears, achievement, and growing. I always think that I would be her bridemate, cry at her wedding, and enjoy her happiness. But the reality was, I was not even at her wedding.

I could have been there, but half of the practical difficulties, half of my propensity, I didn't go back China for her wedding. That day, I was sick physically and also emotionally. When I saw all those wedding pictures, I was stacked in the office with my work on slides deck. But my mind was in China at that wedding where I was supposed to be.

She is becoming a mum also. She will be in a completely new stage of life, which is far away from my imagination. I feel like I am still the one needed to be taken care of, and she will be responsible for another human being's life, which is something I am so afraid of.

Right now in my life, I am so scared by all kinds of commitment. In my dictionary, commitment means long term plan. I don't have any long term plan. For example, I could pack all my things and run away to another city without any problem. I am single, I don't have any mortgage and I am a contractor. Of course, I gonna miss all my friends. But real friends will stay in touch wherever you are. I say all this easily, but actually emotionally I am such a weak person. I don't know how to detach people, things and expectations. At the same time, nothing is eternal. I will eventually detach from all things I used to. This is another reason why I am scared by commitment. But deep in my heart, I know how I look forward about commitment. What a conflict personality!

I wish she will be always happy. But there is no forever thing on this planet. She will be get hurt in whatever kinds of ways. But right now, it is enough that she is happy.

Her marriage, in certain way, cracked my world. She announced the marriage by surprise, and one month later she told me that she got pregnant. Everything was just so fast. I kept the distance from all the things she was telling me. I pretended that I don't care. I thought I could be unmoved by life, however, never ever.

"Everyone seems to be afflicted with sorrow.
Even me.
Everyone has problems, some solvable, some insurmountable.
Even me.
Everyone needs a glimmer of hope to egg them on.
Even me.
Stop thinking that I have it all good. Because I don't."

The picture here is what she put during her wedding. Another friend took it from the big screen. I wish we could smile like that now, deep from heart..and be truly happy!

Fear of aging

One of my favorite books “Tuesday with Morrie” has one chapter talking about aging. In the book, 70++ years old Morrie told 30++ years old Mitch “…I embrace aging…it’s very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you’d always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is not just decay…the truth is, part of me is every age”. That’s why Morrie is so special. If you ask me what I fear the most, there is no doubt, it is aging.

What I am afraid of aging are not only just about physical aging, of course, I wish I will never see any wrinkles on my face and my body and I will always have good sight and hearing, but also mental aging. You must complain that your grandma cannot use skype with you; you must also be annoyed when you just about to have a party night, the neighbor old couples knocked your door and asked you be quite; you must wonder that what old people could do every day and night. Yes we could see that old people seem more stubborn and close minded, I mean generally. I am more afraid myself become like that – refuse to accept new technology, envy young generation, and lose curiosity.

You can always convince me that I won’t become one of that, but are you sure?

Monday I went to see the movie “the best exotic marigold hotel”, which talks about a bunch of aging people went to India with all different purposes and ended up happily. It is a comedy, but English humor with aging people, definitely more like a bitter sweet one. The movie tried to tell us whatever the age people are, they could have their own happy life. But the truth is how difficult it is.

Those people who don’t know me very well probably will be surprised by what I am going to say in the following. I wish I could die when I turn into 50, ideally by accident. 50 is the perfect age to enjoy everything and not become into a crazy old human being. Anyhow, dying is not scary. “Living unhappily is something else”. I don’t mean aging equal to living unhappily, however mostly. Who knows, maybe I gonna be a super happy old lady living forever ever and ever.

But I don’t want to hide my fear of aging. I really don’t like becoming old. Besides “when you are old, you have the special smell”, like forgetfulness, and it is not particularly nice:(

2011 in review: a year of changes

"Most days i wish i was a British pound coin" from the book i am reading . When i read this sentence, i was pondering what i was dreaming about most days. As a professional daydream, i have so many dreams. I wish i don't need to work, i wish i will never get old, i wish i will meet my Mr right, i wish i could travel the world...but mostly i wish i don't need to make choices. However, dreams rarely come true..that was how 2011 started.

If you by chance read my last blog 'my heart is an elephant', in the story, the girl was blocked in a metro station in Paris and went to champs elysees to count down without a clock for the public. Actually that was true, and that happened to me. But different with the story, i was not alone and with two other friends. If the worst thing on new year day means that the year gonna be better, I shouldn't keep complaining that freaky cold night in Paris without fireworks and counting down.

The first week of 2011 was torturing, everything was out of my control and i knew i had no chance to defense before March. Then I booked the tickets to China for Chinese new year. The way back to Wuhan, i didn't feel any excitement just full of disappointment. But 20 days later I came back Marseille with some hopes. I was kinda assured about my defense date and i got two job interviews. Life is filled with ups and downs. We should never be affected by downs, but when you were at downs, it is really difficult to see ups.

After twins and turns, I defensed in March and finally I went ahead of that 3 years. I had fun during that period, but I really need to get out of it. I was really happy. And then i need to decide where to go after. I had three job offers at that moment, but sometime it is not good to have options. As you all know, i end up with belgium. I would never think about if i made another decision. But in March, I even had a list of pros and cons.

Without a thorough plan, I went to tibet in May. I always wanted to go there, but there were always this or that stopping me. Why can we just do something without thinking? The trip was fantastic, and it was far greater than i expected. I spend my birthday there, which was the first time in my life without family and friends. I always said, it is good that a person can still keep saying this is the first time I am doing blahblah..the older you are, the rarer you could say this..isn't it true?

When i got back from the trip, a friend offered me a surprise present to Barcelona's music festival. How could I say no to my favorite city's music festival? I went to Barcelona with my jet-lagged body. I partied like a madwoman for two whole nights. And then the rest of June was about farewell. With the "high school goggles" (from Robin in HIMYM), I was so attached to the people there and the city itself. I won't forget the day when i took the train to belgium, I cried more than half an hour. People on the train must think what was wrong with this crazy chinese girl. So probably not because of high school goggles, I was in love but i just didn't want to admit. By the way, I don't believe love, never ever.

The work is Okay, the city is nice, and the people i met are lovely. The second of 2011, i keep changing myself to get used to belgium style. I am usually a slow person, but this time i must say i adjusted quite efficiently.

I went to berlin, and the first time i missed a flight..not my fault; i went back marseille, and everything was the same but different for me...am i too sentimental; i went to new york..a snow in october..and i lost my jack..time to say goodbye:(

I wish i could have resolutions for the new year...fortunately i don't have any..no danmmit even single one. I am keeping my procrastination, laziness, carelessness, dry sense of humor, and whatever part of me. Why do we need to make changes? Changes happen themselves anyway...as human being..let's just follow the flow.

It is not too late to make a 2011 review, anyway we are still in January. Moreover I am a chinese, chinese new year is coming.

I have no expectation for 2012. No expectation, no disappointment. The simpler, the happier.

My heart is an elephant

Lindsay got dumped at the last second day of 2010. She called her sister Lily, who was in Paris at that moment. Lily was waked up by Lindsay's call at 5am at new year eve, and she immediately knew that there were something wrong. In fact, when Lily caught up her phone and opened her eyes, she even didn't know where she was. She was completely drunk the night before, and ended up with a random guy who was hitting on her. Lily is completely opposite from her sister Lindsay, who is a super nice girl and never has any experience of one night stand. Lily was not surprised at all about her sister's experience before the new year eve. She told Lindsay millions of time "to be nice means to be dumped", but nobody can be changed. Lindsay was crying over the phone "what is wrong with me, I just cannot make a guy stay with me, and what would I do for the damned new year eve", and Lily consoled her "men love bitches, but you are not." Similar conversations continued over 2 hours, till that random guy was kicking the door of bathroom.

Lily is a self-employed photographer and columnist. She never stayed a place more than 3 months, and kept this kind of life for more than 10 years already. There was no single place which would stop her, as well as men. While, Lindsay had stayed in Chicago for 5 years. Within these 5 years, first she spend 2 years with an asshole, and then one year with a nice guy but terrible future mother in law. After that, she hadn't had a really long relationship. She was always the one who involved a lot and was dumped at the end. Lindsay never thought that there was something in common between she and her sister. After all these experiences, she knew that they both don't believe love.

When Lindsay hung up the phone, the first thing she did was booking the earliest flight to Paris. She arrived her hotel close to champs elysees at 10pm. She called Lily and told her that she was in Paris. Lily was astonished. She used to think her sister as a predictable person, and she would never expect that Lindsay would fly Paris to spend her new year eve. They arranged to meet at the closest metro station to Eiffel tower.

Lindsay wore her most beautiful makeup and sexiest dress walking out of her hotel. She could hear whistles around her and guys were hitting on her. But she felt disgusting and repulsion. She is a cute girl but she never used her cuteness to attract guys. She wishes the guy who would like to be with her just because of who she is from inside to outside. But all these guys at that moment on the street were absolutely stupid in her mind just because of her outlooking. However, Lily used her beauty superlatively and kept all her relationship strictly physical.

Lindsay couldn't call a taxi, because all taxis in Paris at new year eve were busy. When she hardly walked to the metro station with her 15cm high heel shoes, she was pissed off by the fact that metro system was crashed at that moment in Paris. Finally she was mad when she tried to call her sister, because telecommunication system was not working as well. Tears were filled in her eyes. Few minutes before her heart was an elephant when she looked down all those stupid guys. But now she was still that Lindsay, weak, sensitive, naive, innocent, and helpless. She saw an huge elephant was out of her body and run away. Only 15 minutes left to midnight, the only thing she could think about was going to a place around people, the closest one champs elysees.

There were millions of people on champs elysees, but Lindsay knew nobody. Moreover, there was even no clock to show the time. Lindsay looked her watch, which was still Chicago time 7 hours and couple minutes before the midnight. It was ridiculous to see all people around were looking at their watches or cellphones. She closed eyes and let tears finally drop down. She felt somebody wipe her tear, and opened her eyes. Lily was standing in front of her. No words to say, they hugged and kissed each other. Nobody really cared that 2010 had passed, and there were even no counting down.

"You know, there was an elephant beside you, therefore, I found out you in this huge crowd."

New Year Eve...what's that

31st, Dec, 2010, the last day of a shitty year, Lucy is sitting in front of computer and trying to summary what happened in the past 364 days.

She fxxxing hates new year eve, what is the purpose to celebrate the date going from the 31st to the 1st, it doesn't make any sense to her. But as a kitsch as she describes herself, she has to do the celebration, and she cannot be cool to stay at home watching a simple movie, or just lying on the bed. She remembered last year, after counting down at the biggest plaza in Milan, she and some new friends she met that day spend 3 hours in a taxi queue and the fxxxing club was closed when they arrived at 3am as some brainless stupids vomited vodka Red Bull all over her back. The next day, noting has changed, but she was in a disgusting mess and she waked up somewhere with bunch people she cannot remember single faces right now.

She also remembered the year before the last year, she was queuing six deep at a bar full of fannies into her eyeballs. She hadn't entered the bar at the last second of counting down, and she didn't see any friends of her. Therefore, she kissed a ballbag standing behind her.

Nothing ever good happened in the new year eve to her, but she was still planning to do something to kill her new year eve. She even bought a fancy dress, very sexy and fxxxing hot, but she knew already next year 2011 is not going to be HER year. Shit still happens like the past 2010. She probably gonna put all the disappointments, near misses, embarrassing moments, dead kitties, burnt dinners and regrettable encounters as what she is doing now 365 days later.

Then what really happened to her? She shrugged, and just felt nothing, which means it just fxxxed up.

She has a theory called "No B". She thought that in fact people will never feel disappointed till they can compare to the others. So if in our lives, by any chance we find A really bad, her suggestion is to stick on it and never try to find B to compare. For example, she doesn't like the city A now she is living, no she dislikes A, no no she hates A, then she decides before she gets a real chance to finally leave this city, and she will never go to visit or stay in another city B. Because she believes she will be pissed off when she comes back from B. She had a terrible relationship with a guy, who treated her like a peace of shit. Then she sticked to him three years and never tried to meet some others. This theory probably comes from her memory in high school. She never felt herself not pretty till high school, when all the other gals got some love letters from stupid boys but not herself. Caparisons are the worst things happening to her, and she used to evade from them.

She thinks people might sometimes treat her as a stupid girl, but she doesn't care. She knows that she just have a Peter Pan in her body, who never wants to grow up. She hates to become sophisticated, if it means that people should have double faces, lie each other and stab on the other backs. She wish that she will never be like this, but there is no fxxxing never land as a novel.

Anyway she is a false optimism. She will say to everybody, "2011 is going to be the best year EVER! Whoo!!!". Then let it fxxx, and do another summary next year.

"We start oaf wi high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise we're aw gaunnae die, withoot really findin oot the big answers". Nothing is really true, but nothing is really false.

My A-Z of Christmas

Abroad

Bored

Calm

Dawn

Eat

Family

Gingerbread

Homesick

Idealist

Journey

Kindness

Lonely

Momentary

Neckerchief

Or nothing to say

Presents

Quietness

Reunion

Saintly

Tears

Unawareness

Very very homesick

Winter

Xmas

Yummy

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Lessons from The Apprentice (4)

I am not very assertive, maybe because of my Asian philosophy, or my own personality. I always have a question lingering in my mind "am I ready for that?". So the question is whether you get enough preparation. Preparation is key to success. During the show, it always happened that some people with overconfidence less prepared and failed later.

In fact, I am definitely one in that club, although that question lingers in my mind all the time. I just never care about preparation.

Being passionate and enthusiastic is one of the most important things we need to learn as well. In our whole career life, there must be some things we are going to hate and unbelieve. We should focus on the positive and convince ourselves things we are doing have value.

I guess it is just too hard for me. Even outside my career, I just try my best to stay away things I hate, let alone career, you know how much I care.....However, we need to survive with those fxxxxxxxxxx money we can earn. Or if you are a pretty girl, maybe try your best to get a rich guy who can depend with, or if you are a cute boy, go to find a rich girl...I know all of you won't really consider about it:)

So good luck for myself. Job hunting continues....

Lessons from The Apprentice (3)

In fact I never think I could do better than those participants, but definitely there are always some rubbish participants in the show. However who knows that one day probably one of us, who are watching this show on our comfortable chairs, sofas, and beds, will make dumbest decisions in our career.

There are often some people with "everyone is against me" syndrome. This is definitely a sign of lack of confidence. Surely it is hard to build friendship in the work places, but not everybody is your enemy. So please don't try to gang up on the others all the time.

At the same time, there are usually some people with "everybody is not as good as me" overconfidence. So they take every chance to show their assertiveness. Come on, we need to learn to listen to different views. When you fail to listen, you run a huge risk of missing a better opportunity or idea.

We should know when to talk and when to shut up.

Lessons from The Apprentice (2)

Although I have no intention at all to get a sales job, I learned from this show that everybody is a sales when you are doing your job hunting. Everybody need to sale yourself to your future employers.

I always think of myself as non-sociable person. But that is not mean I am timid, introvert, and anti-social. Oppositely, I am extrovert, and love to spend time with people, but people I like. That is the point, only people I like. I don't like to spend time to talk bullshit with strangers, and cannot tolerant even one single minute of chit chat with people I don't like. Those people who are really sociable can do these, and can enjoy everything they are talking about. I don't have this talent.

But as in The Apprentice, even you don't like them, you must socialize with them. Some of them are good at in the disadvantage of you, and they can help you and let you focus on your own strengths. Socializing will build friendship not enemyship.

Maybe I am just too naive, and not sophisticate enough to socialize.