I looked her, and feel suffered for myself. I asked her to give it to me and let me help. As you probably know, we had difficulties to understand each other, what a language barrier. After body language communication, she gave me all her stuff. I almost had no experience about sewing. It was not easy work for me as well. But I manage to put two pieces into one, which was quite enough. I passed everything to her. She gave me an affable smile back. I felt something touched my heart at that moment.
What she did next was completely out of my imagination. She took out a small bag under her coat and opened carefully one layer by one layer. I was curious about what she was going to do. Then she found a necklace and gave to me. I felt so overwhelmed by an unexpected favor. I didn't know what to do at that moment. I didn't know how to explain what I felt at that moment. I insisted to not take it, and she persisted, which lasted at least 3 minutes. The next thing I did was causeless. I knew that if I took no action and that situation would continue for ever, maybe. I took out 10 RMB which equals to 1.25 euros. She waved and didn't want to take the money. I insisted, and she rejected. I guess that she also realized if she didn't take that money, we would continue for another 10 minutes or whatever. She stopped, but she took out some changes from her pocket. When I saw the changes on her hand, I started to cry. Tears dropped down nonstop. The old lady looked me and didn't know what to say. She didn't understand why I burst into crying. She took her small bag again, and found some milk candies. She passed to me with her warm smile.
She sit besides me for a while. When she was leaving, she patted my shoulder. I looked her back, wiped my tears, and started to think my traveling plan for the next day. At the end, Tibet is still so beautiful. People there are still unsophisticated, honest and friendly. I saw the superficial part and misunderstood the whole. The same things happen in our life everyday, we loss our overall conscienceness by little appearances.
The next day, I joined another two guys and rented a car to Mount Everest and Nepal, which turned out to be one of the best trip in my life.
I was telling this story to a buddha I met in Tibet. He said to me "Buddha cannot be avoided. Buddha is everywhere.Enlightenment possibilities are all over the place. Everybody you meet is a buddha or has a buddha inside yourself. So the old lady was your buddha and made you change your mind of traveling. You were her buddha, not just because of you helped her. Everybody is buddha".
Dose traveling make me a better person? Yes, I think so. And I believe so.
Next week, I am going to New Zealand. Hope I can tell you something changing me during the traveling.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
Dose traveling make me a better person? (Part 1/2)
Yesterday on the way back home, a friend who I met on the bus asked me a question "why do you like traveling? does it make you a better person?". I joked back "I am already the best, why do I need to be better". But deep in my heart, I questioned myself "am I a better person because of traveling". It is really hard to answer but I do share some experiences and hope I answer this question by the stories.
Undoubtedly, traveling makes people open minded. However, an open-minded person is not equal to a better person. People could be open-minded without traveling and people could be still close-minded with traveling experiences. IN GENERAL, people loving traveling are more open minded than domestic people.
Some people claim that they love traveling, but I don't believe what they say. If they just go to a different places, always stay in the hotels, continually lie on the beach, and only talk to the other tourists, we can call it as a holiday but not traveling. Traveling can be short or long, which does not matter of the length of period. But traveling people will interact with real locals, enjoy native food and explore surroundings by themselves. People always showed me hundreds of pictures of where they have been, and they talked a lot what they have seen. Is it traveling only about the places? I would highly recommend a book wrote by Alain De Botten "the art of travel". Actually in the book, he didn't encourage people to go travel as much as they can, at the end, travel is just a way of life.
I love traveling alone, which is not just because of freedom and convenience, also the reason to mediate. I totally agree that people can mediate anytime. But what we think is always constrained by your surroundings and people around you. When you are traveling, you are jumping out from your normal life, we don't need to adapt ourselves to the others. Behaviors change, so does mediation.
I guess I told several friends the story happened to me when I was in Tibet. I do like sharing here. I always said that one day I would like to write it down. Finally I get the chance.
The first few days when I was in Tibet, I wasn't happy about what I have seen. Before I went there, I had really high expectations. In my mind, Tibet should be the place sacred and purified.When I arrived Lhasa, I was already disappointed on the way from train station to my hotel. I saw a big market of electronic stuffs, mostly cellphones and mp3/4s, which you could find the same market all over the second or third line cities. Lhasa is occupied by tourism and everything there is commercial. I felt so sad. I started to doubt the reason I went there after the first day I walked around. I didn't have any plan at that moment and return ticket. I decided to give myself few more days to see how it was going on. The next several days I went to Jokhang temple, which is the most sacred and important temple for most Tibetans. Everyday there are thousands of people visiting and praying there, and hundreds of buddhist praying at Jokhang square. I spend three days sitting in front of the gate, listening all those praying in Tibetan which I didn't understand, and melting under the plateau sun. I was hoping I could change my mind and start to explore the whole Tibet. But my incentive was gone day by day. I even listened two totally different versions of the story of pillar in front of the temple. Tourists didn't care, and they just would happy to tell the others that they had been to Tibet and Jokhang temple.
Things always happened without a clue.
I was still sitting in front of the temple and planning that I might go back to my hometown instead of staying. An old Tibetan woman sit besides me. Her elbow protection was broken, and she tried to fix it. If you don't know anything about Tibetan prostrations, here I could tell you something.
A prostration is a gesture used in Buddihist practice to show reverence to the three jewels. In Tibetan tradition, people generally do full prostration, which is described like "place your hands together and touch your crown, throat and heart, then stretch your entire body on the ground and stretch both of your hands as far as possible away from you head, then rise up quickly and repeat". So when they do large number like 100000, people need to wear protections for the knees and elbows.
The woman tried to put a type of plastic wire into a needle, which was really difficult with her old age and poor quality of split wire. (TBC)
Undoubtedly, traveling makes people open minded. However, an open-minded person is not equal to a better person. People could be open-minded without traveling and people could be still close-minded with traveling experiences. IN GENERAL, people loving traveling are more open minded than domestic people.
Some people claim that they love traveling, but I don't believe what they say. If they just go to a different places, always stay in the hotels, continually lie on the beach, and only talk to the other tourists, we can call it as a holiday but not traveling. Traveling can be short or long, which does not matter of the length of period. But traveling people will interact with real locals, enjoy native food and explore surroundings by themselves. People always showed me hundreds of pictures of where they have been, and they talked a lot what they have seen. Is it traveling only about the places? I would highly recommend a book wrote by Alain De Botten "the art of travel". Actually in the book, he didn't encourage people to go travel as much as they can, at the end, travel is just a way of life.
I love traveling alone, which is not just because of freedom and convenience, also the reason to mediate. I totally agree that people can mediate anytime. But what we think is always constrained by your surroundings and people around you. When you are traveling, you are jumping out from your normal life, we don't need to adapt ourselves to the others. Behaviors change, so does mediation.
I guess I told several friends the story happened to me when I was in Tibet. I do like sharing here. I always said that one day I would like to write it down. Finally I get the chance.
The first few days when I was in Tibet, I wasn't happy about what I have seen. Before I went there, I had really high expectations. In my mind, Tibet should be the place sacred and purified.When I arrived Lhasa, I was already disappointed on the way from train station to my hotel. I saw a big market of electronic stuffs, mostly cellphones and mp3/4s, which you could find the same market all over the second or third line cities. Lhasa is occupied by tourism and everything there is commercial. I felt so sad. I started to doubt the reason I went there after the first day I walked around. I didn't have any plan at that moment and return ticket. I decided to give myself few more days to see how it was going on. The next several days I went to Jokhang temple, which is the most sacred and important temple for most Tibetans. Everyday there are thousands of people visiting and praying there, and hundreds of buddhist praying at Jokhang square. I spend three days sitting in front of the gate, listening all those praying in Tibetan which I didn't understand, and melting under the plateau sun. I was hoping I could change my mind and start to explore the whole Tibet. But my incentive was gone day by day. I even listened two totally different versions of the story of pillar in front of the temple. Tourists didn't care, and they just would happy to tell the others that they had been to Tibet and Jokhang temple.
Things always happened without a clue.
I was still sitting in front of the temple and planning that I might go back to my hometown instead of staying. An old Tibetan woman sit besides me. Her elbow protection was broken, and she tried to fix it. If you don't know anything about Tibetan prostrations, here I could tell you something.
A prostration is a gesture used in Buddihist practice to show reverence to the three jewels. In Tibetan tradition, people generally do full prostration, which is described like "place your hands together and touch your crown, throat and heart, then stretch your entire body on the ground and stretch both of your hands as far as possible away from you head, then rise up quickly and repeat". So when they do large number like 100000, people need to wear protections for the knees and elbows.
The woman tried to put a type of plastic wire into a needle, which was really difficult with her old age and poor quality of split wire. (TBC)
Monday, September 03, 2012
Drug Life
I don't know since when I am so interested in drug-related tv series. At this moment, I am following two drug dealer stories "weeds" and "breaking bad", and occasionally check the updates of drug obsession story "skins" and "entourage". And I used to watch "the wire", "that 70's show" and "six feet under".
In my real life, I don't drink, because I am allergic to alcohol; I don't smoke, because I choose to; I never try any kinda drugs..just I am a risk aversion person. Or I guess in my heart I am just so curious about the life I have never lived with, then I became addicted to drug-related tv series.
In general I am natural high, I don't need something external to make me feel happy. But it did happen to me sometimes, when I was not in the mood to socialize and I didn't want to stay alone, ib this case I always end up in a party but not in mood to talk to dance or to do whatever. At that moment, I wish I could be mad as those drunken people who can do whatever they want.
Well, I don't have any experience of drugs, and I could only talk about my alcohol stories. The latest one was happened in 2008, the day before my master commencement. I was with bunch of friends, and the day before that I just flied back to Asia from France. Maybe because of the joy being my own country, the jetlag from the flying, or the excitement of the next day's ceremony, I fxxxxxxxxxx decided to take a shot of whiskey. Two minutes later, believe me, I didn't exaggerate, two minutes, I vomited in the club without warning, it was disgusting, but I cannot help. Then my friend tried to drag me to the bathroom, unfortunately at the entrance of bathroom, I did it again. The cleaning lady was so mad, and she was shouting to me "you are so close to the bathroom, why do you throw up here". Well, I don't want to humiliate myself as well, sorry.
When I walked out from the bathroom, that was already 20 minutes later, I became another person. My arms got rash, my lips got swollen, and my mind was not mine. Friends suggested me to go home to get rest, as a hard core, I would never accept that suggestion. I kept vomiting and parting that whole night, and I don't need to mention the next day my flight to Singapore was at 9 o'clock in the morning.
If I remember well, after no more than 3 hours sleeping, I met my mum at the airport. No doubt, she was asking what happened, I just kept quite. 4 hours flight to Singapore was a nightmare, one of the worst trip in my life.
The commencement was great. I put a lot of make-up to cover my dark eyes, actually smoky eyes. My face was puffy, and I blamed it as fat. My mum didn't ask anything, and I believe that she knew what I did.
After that, I tempted several times to try whatever, but rationality of mine stopped me. I don't know it is good or not. Who knows, who cares..drugs, are still far away from my life, then I only feel close to them by series.
However, "weeds" and "breaking bad" are both in the last season..what I could follow to keep my drug-related series addiction.
"I still believe in paradise
but now at least i know it's not some place you can look for"
In my real life, I don't drink, because I am allergic to alcohol; I don't smoke, because I choose to; I never try any kinda drugs..just I am a risk aversion person. Or I guess in my heart I am just so curious about the life I have never lived with, then I became addicted to drug-related tv series.
In general I am natural high, I don't need something external to make me feel happy. But it did happen to me sometimes, when I was not in the mood to socialize and I didn't want to stay alone, ib this case I always end up in a party but not in mood to talk to dance or to do whatever. At that moment, I wish I could be mad as those drunken people who can do whatever they want.
Well, I don't have any experience of drugs, and I could only talk about my alcohol stories. The latest one was happened in 2008, the day before my master commencement. I was with bunch of friends, and the day before that I just flied back to Asia from France. Maybe because of the joy being my own country, the jetlag from the flying, or the excitement of the next day's ceremony, I fxxxxxxxxxx decided to take a shot of whiskey. Two minutes later, believe me, I didn't exaggerate, two minutes, I vomited in the club without warning, it was disgusting, but I cannot help. Then my friend tried to drag me to the bathroom, unfortunately at the entrance of bathroom, I did it again. The cleaning lady was so mad, and she was shouting to me "you are so close to the bathroom, why do you throw up here". Well, I don't want to humiliate myself as well, sorry.
When I walked out from the bathroom, that was already 20 minutes later, I became another person. My arms got rash, my lips got swollen, and my mind was not mine. Friends suggested me to go home to get rest, as a hard core, I would never accept that suggestion. I kept vomiting and parting that whole night, and I don't need to mention the next day my flight to Singapore was at 9 o'clock in the morning.
If I remember well, after no more than 3 hours sleeping, I met my mum at the airport. No doubt, she was asking what happened, I just kept quite. 4 hours flight to Singapore was a nightmare, one of the worst trip in my life.
The commencement was great. I put a lot of make-up to cover my dark eyes, actually smoky eyes. My face was puffy, and I blamed it as fat. My mum didn't ask anything, and I believe that she knew what I did.
After that, I tempted several times to try whatever, but rationality of mine stopped me. I don't know it is good or not. Who knows, who cares..drugs, are still far away from my life, then I only feel close to them by series.
However, "weeds" and "breaking bad" are both in the last season..what I could follow to keep my drug-related series addiction.
"I still believe in paradise
but now at least i know it's not some place you can look for"
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
What is your strength..or talent?
I have stayed in academia bubbles for very long time. So when I was starting my job hunting in the late 2010, I realized there were so many interesting companies I have never heard about it. One of them was Gallup. When I focused on my research topic in behaviour economics, the nobel prize winner Daniel Kahneman was my "mentor". I was amazed by all his theory and experiments. His "prospect theory " was actually the guidance of my master thesis. And I found out that he is the senior scientist in Gallup. I could have chance to meet him and even work with him without staying in academia bubbles anymore, and then I applied the job there. But as you all know, I didn't get the job. Kahneman is still far away from me. That's might a too long introduction about Gallup's "strengthsfinder".
By coincidence, one of the best thing in my career of the past year was about "strengthsfinder".
Actually, I was even a joke for this survey. As a very hardcore deadline killer, after my organization send the link from Gallup, I never pay attention to do it. And one week before the deadline, my team send an email to ask top 5 strengths. I totally forgot "strengthsfinder" survey. I even talked to my officemate, "my top 5 strengths, and I need to describe myself, isn't it weird". Then I send 5 strengths from my own knowledge of myself to my team. At the end, of course, people were shocked by my answers, because they cannot find those words from Clifton strengths finder. They were wondering where I find my strengths. Two days later, my organization send another reminder to finish "strengthsfinder", I finally realized that what I send was completely wrong, but it was already too late.
But I used one of my strength from Gallup's survey to describe myself -- that is adaptability, which I consider as my real talent. That only one word made my colleagues think I was making fun of them. And, what Gallup found for me in order is "arranger, adaptability, maximizer, empathy and input". I could see myself into these five strengths very well. How amazing!
As everything has sunshine part, also shadow part. Strength could become weakness as well. My top two actually are very similar at least from what Gallup describes -- flexible. On the other hand, you could say directionless, indecisive, constantly changes priorities. It depends on which angle you look through.
Yesterday I finally got my whole profile. Apart from my top 5, I have chance to know my least 5 in order -- "analytical, competition, restorative, discipline, significance". To be honest, I am not afraid to expose my weakness. Especially as a evader, I could always avoid them.
However, I still feel frustrated when thinking about my job now. As a researcher, I lack of discipline and analytical. Isn't it a catastrophe? The only attribution leading to a good researcher in my profile is probably input. But collection and archive of information sound like generalist, and all researchers are specialists.
So what could I do to fit in my job? or easily change to another job where I could maximizer my strengths? or just complement myself by coordinate with the others?
By coincidence, one of the best thing in my career of the past year was about "strengthsfinder".
Actually, I was even a joke for this survey. As a very hardcore deadline killer, after my organization send the link from Gallup, I never pay attention to do it. And one week before the deadline, my team send an email to ask top 5 strengths. I totally forgot "strengthsfinder" survey. I even talked to my officemate, "my top 5 strengths, and I need to describe myself, isn't it weird". Then I send 5 strengths from my own knowledge of myself to my team. At the end, of course, people were shocked by my answers, because they cannot find those words from Clifton strengths finder. They were wondering where I find my strengths. Two days later, my organization send another reminder to finish "strengthsfinder", I finally realized that what I send was completely wrong, but it was already too late.
But I used one of my strength from Gallup's survey to describe myself -- that is adaptability, which I consider as my real talent. That only one word made my colleagues think I was making fun of them. And, what Gallup found for me in order is "arranger, adaptability, maximizer, empathy and input". I could see myself into these five strengths very well. How amazing!
As everything has sunshine part, also shadow part. Strength could become weakness as well. My top two actually are very similar at least from what Gallup describes -- flexible. On the other hand, you could say directionless, indecisive, constantly changes priorities. It depends on which angle you look through.
Yesterday I finally got my whole profile. Apart from my top 5, I have chance to know my least 5 in order -- "analytical, competition, restorative, discipline, significance". To be honest, I am not afraid to expose my weakness. Especially as a evader, I could always avoid them.
However, I still feel frustrated when thinking about my job now. As a researcher, I lack of discipline and analytical. Isn't it a catastrophe? The only attribution leading to a good researcher in my profile is probably input. But collection and archive of information sound like generalist, and all researchers are specialists.
So what could I do to fit in my job? or easily change to another job where I could maximizer my strengths? or just complement myself by coordinate with the others?
Monday, June 25, 2012
Something for the one year anniversary in Belgium
How time flies, almost a year. If my friend didn't put a long farewell note on facebook, i didn't even think about it is almost a year. One week later, it is my one year anniversary in Belgium.
I still remember the day when I was leaving Marseille. I cried almost an hour on the train. My friend who went to the train station was calling me after she saw me crying, but I just cannot speak a word and sobbed sadly. I do believe I hadn't cried so badly for at least two years. All loves, repugnance, emotions and hatred just came out when the train was starting to move. Tears were my best way of catharsis.
I love what I have done in Marseille, but I know that was the best moment I should leave. Most of my friends left or were about to leave that town, I suxed in relationship with my boss and my personal life, I was fed up by French bureaucracy and language itself, i was tired of chaos and unsafety, and i was like a french complaining about my "miserable" life. And then Belgium?
I never thought about I would end up in Belgium, and I even didn't know anything about Antwerp before I moved here. However life is following the flow. We don't need to think about it.
Nothing is perfect, so is Antwerp as well. But right now I appreciate what it is at present.
For the last almost 365 days, the most important thing I have learned was "let it go" - forgive so you can be forgiven. I used to linger on things for quite long time till making things certain. Now I know it is useless effort why not just "let it go". Life is full of burden, it doesn't matter to drop some packages. Well, I am still learning it. To really do it is not that easy. But I am trying.
I don't want to be sentimental. Sometimes I just really have good memories. A year...
I still remember the day when I was leaving Marseille. I cried almost an hour on the train. My friend who went to the train station was calling me after she saw me crying, but I just cannot speak a word and sobbed sadly. I do believe I hadn't cried so badly for at least two years. All loves, repugnance, emotions and hatred just came out when the train was starting to move. Tears were my best way of catharsis.
I love what I have done in Marseille, but I know that was the best moment I should leave. Most of my friends left or were about to leave that town, I suxed in relationship with my boss and my personal life, I was fed up by French bureaucracy and language itself, i was tired of chaos and unsafety, and i was like a french complaining about my "miserable" life. And then Belgium?
I never thought about I would end up in Belgium, and I even didn't know anything about Antwerp before I moved here. However life is following the flow. We don't need to think about it.
Nothing is perfect, so is Antwerp as well. But right now I appreciate what it is at present.
For the last almost 365 days, the most important thing I have learned was "let it go" - forgive so you can be forgiven. I used to linger on things for quite long time till making things certain. Now I know it is useless effort why not just "let it go". Life is full of burden, it doesn't matter to drop some packages. Well, I am still learning it. To really do it is not that easy. But I am trying.
I don't want to be sentimental. Sometimes I just really have good memories. A year...
Monday, May 07, 2012
The saddest marriage wish..to my best friend
Last Friday, my best friend's wedding, i was not there. Friends were using a smart phone application to broadcast all details to me, photos, audios and videos. But still, I felt sad.
She and I were really close friends, no actually she is my sister. We met each other in junior high school. Since then we have shared every step in our life, joyfulness, sadness, tears, achievement, and growing. I always think that I would be her bridemate, cry at her wedding, and enjoy her happiness. But the reality was, I was not even at her wedding.
I could have been there, but half of the practical difficulties, half of my propensity, I didn't go back China for her wedding. That day, I was sick physically and also emotionally. When I saw all those wedding pictures, I was stacked in the office with my work on slides deck. But my mind was in China at that wedding where I was supposed to be.
She is becoming a mum also. She will be in a completely new stage of life, which is far away from my imagination. I feel like I am still the one needed to be taken care of, and she will be responsible for another human being's life, which is something I am so afraid of.
Right now in my life, I am so scared by all kinds of commitment. In my dictionary, commitment means long term plan. I don't have any long term plan. For example, I could pack all my things and run away to another city without any problem. I am single, I don't have any mortgage and I am a contractor. Of course, I gonna miss all my friends. But real friends will stay in touch wherever you are. I say all this easily, but actually emotionally I am such a weak person. I don't know how to detach people, things and expectations. At the same time, nothing is eternal. I will eventually detach from all things I used to. This is another reason why I am scared by commitment. But deep in my heart, I know how I look forward about commitment. What a conflict personality!
I wish she will be always happy. But there is no forever thing on this planet. She will be get hurt in whatever kinds of ways. But right now, it is enough that she is happy.
Her marriage, in certain way, cracked my world. She announced the marriage by surprise, and one month later she told me that she got pregnant. Everything was just so fast. I kept the distance from all the things she was telling me. I pretended that I don't care. I thought I could be unmoved by life, however, never ever.
"Everyone seems to be afflicted with sorrow.
Even me.
Everyone has problems, some solvable, some insurmountable.
Even me.
Everyone needs a glimmer of hope to egg them on.
Even me.
Stop thinking that I have it all good. Because I don't."
The picture here is what she put during her wedding. Another friend took it from the big screen. I wish we could smile like that now, deep from heart..and be truly happy!
She and I were really close friends, no actually she is my sister. We met each other in junior high school. Since then we have shared every step in our life, joyfulness, sadness, tears, achievement, and growing. I always think that I would be her bridemate, cry at her wedding, and enjoy her happiness. But the reality was, I was not even at her wedding.
I could have been there, but half of the practical difficulties, half of my propensity, I didn't go back China for her wedding. That day, I was sick physically and also emotionally. When I saw all those wedding pictures, I was stacked in the office with my work on slides deck. But my mind was in China at that wedding where I was supposed to be.
She is becoming a mum also. She will be in a completely new stage of life, which is far away from my imagination. I feel like I am still the one needed to be taken care of, and she will be responsible for another human being's life, which is something I am so afraid of.
Right now in my life, I am so scared by all kinds of commitment. In my dictionary, commitment means long term plan. I don't have any long term plan. For example, I could pack all my things and run away to another city without any problem. I am single, I don't have any mortgage and I am a contractor. Of course, I gonna miss all my friends. But real friends will stay in touch wherever you are. I say all this easily, but actually emotionally I am such a weak person. I don't know how to detach people, things and expectations. At the same time, nothing is eternal. I will eventually detach from all things I used to. This is another reason why I am scared by commitment. But deep in my heart, I know how I look forward about commitment. What a conflict personality!
I wish she will be always happy. But there is no forever thing on this planet. She will be get hurt in whatever kinds of ways. But right now, it is enough that she is happy.
Her marriage, in certain way, cracked my world. She announced the marriage by surprise, and one month later she told me that she got pregnant. Everything was just so fast. I kept the distance from all the things she was telling me. I pretended that I don't care. I thought I could be unmoved by life, however, never ever.
"Everyone seems to be afflicted with sorrow.
Even me.
Everyone has problems, some solvable, some insurmountable.
Even me.
Everyone needs a glimmer of hope to egg them on.
Even me.
Stop thinking that I have it all good. Because I don't."
The picture here is what she put during her wedding. Another friend took it from the big screen. I wish we could smile like that now, deep from heart..and be truly happy!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Fear of aging
One of my favorite books “Tuesday with Morrie” has one chapter talking about aging. In the book, 70++ years old Morrie told 30++ years old Mitch “…I embrace aging…it’s very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you’d always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is not just decay…the truth is, part of me is every age”. That’s why Morrie is so special. If you ask me what I fear the most, there is no doubt, it is aging.
What I am afraid of aging are not only just about physical aging, of course, I wish I will never see any wrinkles on my face and my body and I will always have good sight and hearing, but also mental aging. You must complain that your grandma cannot use skype with you; you must also be annoyed when you just about to have a party night, the neighbor old couples knocked your door and asked you be quite; you must wonder that what old people could do every day and night. Yes we could see that old people seem more stubborn and close minded, I mean generally. I am more afraid myself become like that – refuse to accept new technology, envy young generation, and lose curiosity.
You can always convince me that I won’t become one of that, but are you sure?
Monday I went to see the movie “the best exotic marigold hotel”, which talks about a bunch of aging people went to India with all different purposes and ended up happily. It is a comedy, but English humor with aging people, definitely more like a bitter sweet one. The movie tried to tell us whatever the age people are, they could have their own happy life. But the truth is how difficult it is.
Those people who don’t know me very well probably will be surprised by what I am going to say in the following. I wish I could die when I turn into 50, ideally by accident. 50 is the perfect age to enjoy everything and not become into a crazy old human being. Anyhow, dying is not scary. “Living unhappily is something else”. I don’t mean aging equal to living unhappily, however mostly. Who knows, maybe I gonna be a super happy old lady living forever ever and ever.
But I don’t want to hide my fear of aging. I really don’t like becoming old. Besides “when you are old, you have the special smell”, like forgetfulness, and it is not particularly nice:(
What I am afraid of aging are not only just about physical aging, of course, I wish I will never see any wrinkles on my face and my body and I will always have good sight and hearing, but also mental aging. You must complain that your grandma cannot use skype with you; you must also be annoyed when you just about to have a party night, the neighbor old couples knocked your door and asked you be quite; you must wonder that what old people could do every day and night. Yes we could see that old people seem more stubborn and close minded, I mean generally. I am more afraid myself become like that – refuse to accept new technology, envy young generation, and lose curiosity.
You can always convince me that I won’t become one of that, but are you sure?
Monday I went to see the movie “the best exotic marigold hotel”, which talks about a bunch of aging people went to India with all different purposes and ended up happily. It is a comedy, but English humor with aging people, definitely more like a bitter sweet one. The movie tried to tell us whatever the age people are, they could have their own happy life. But the truth is how difficult it is.
Those people who don’t know me very well probably will be surprised by what I am going to say in the following. I wish I could die when I turn into 50, ideally by accident. 50 is the perfect age to enjoy everything and not become into a crazy old human being. Anyhow, dying is not scary. “Living unhappily is something else”. I don’t mean aging equal to living unhappily, however mostly. Who knows, maybe I gonna be a super happy old lady living forever ever and ever.
But I don’t want to hide my fear of aging. I really don’t like becoming old. Besides “when you are old, you have the special smell”, like forgetfulness, and it is not particularly nice:(
Monday, January 09, 2012
2011 in review: a year of changes
"Most days i wish i was a British pound coin" from the book i am reading . When i read this sentence, i was pondering what i was dreaming about most days. As a professional daydream, i have so many dreams. I wish i don't need to work, i wish i will never get old, i wish i will meet my Mr right, i wish i could travel the world...but mostly i wish i don't need to make choices. However, dreams rarely come true..that was how 2011 started.
If you by chance read my last blog 'my heart is an elephant', in the story, the girl was blocked in a metro station in Paris and went to champs elysees to count down without a clock for the public. Actually that was true, and that happened to me. But different with the story, i was not alone and with two other friends. If the worst thing on new year day means that the year gonna be better, I shouldn't keep complaining that freaky cold night in Paris without fireworks and counting down.
The first week of 2011 was torturing, everything was out of my control and i knew i had no chance to defense before March. Then I booked the tickets to China for Chinese new year. The way back to Wuhan, i didn't feel any excitement just full of disappointment. But 20 days later I came back Marseille with some hopes. I was kinda assured about my defense date and i got two job interviews. Life is filled with ups and downs. We should never be affected by downs, but when you were at downs, it is really difficult to see ups.
After twins and turns, I defensed in March and finally I went ahead of that 3 years. I had fun during that period, but I really need to get out of it. I was really happy. And then i need to decide where to go after. I had three job offers at that moment, but sometime it is not good to have options. As you all know, i end up with belgium. I would never think about if i made another decision. But in March, I even had a list of pros and cons.
Without a thorough plan, I went to tibet in May. I always wanted to go there, but there were always this or that stopping me. Why can we just do something without thinking? The trip was fantastic, and it was far greater than i expected. I spend my birthday there, which was the first time in my life without family and friends. I always said, it is good that a person can still keep saying this is the first time I am doing blahblah..the older you are, the rarer you could say this..isn't it true?
When i got back from the trip, a friend offered me a surprise present to Barcelona's music festival. How could I say no to my favorite city's music festival? I went to Barcelona with my jet-lagged body. I partied like a madwoman for two whole nights. And then the rest of June was about farewell. With the "high school goggles" (from Robin in HIMYM), I was so attached to the people there and the city itself. I won't forget the day when i took the train to belgium, I cried more than half an hour. People on the train must think what was wrong with this crazy chinese girl. So probably not because of high school goggles, I was in love but i just didn't want to admit. By the way, I don't believe love, never ever.
The work is Okay, the city is nice, and the people i met are lovely. The second of 2011, i keep changing myself to get used to belgium style. I am usually a slow person, but this time i must say i adjusted quite efficiently.
I went to berlin, and the first time i missed a flight..not my fault; i went back marseille, and everything was the same but different for me...am i too sentimental; i went to new york..a snow in october..and i lost my jack..time to say goodbye:(
I wish i could have resolutions for the new year...fortunately i don't have any..no danmmit even single one. I am keeping my procrastination, laziness, carelessness, dry sense of humor, and whatever part of me. Why do we need to make changes? Changes happen themselves anyway...as human being..let's just follow the flow.
It is not too late to make a 2011 review, anyway we are still in January. Moreover I am a chinese, chinese new year is coming.
I have no expectation for 2012. No expectation, no disappointment. The simpler, the happier.
If you by chance read my last blog 'my heart is an elephant', in the story, the girl was blocked in a metro station in Paris and went to champs elysees to count down without a clock for the public. Actually that was true, and that happened to me. But different with the story, i was not alone and with two other friends. If the worst thing on new year day means that the year gonna be better, I shouldn't keep complaining that freaky cold night in Paris without fireworks and counting down.
The first week of 2011 was torturing, everything was out of my control and i knew i had no chance to defense before March. Then I booked the tickets to China for Chinese new year. The way back to Wuhan, i didn't feel any excitement just full of disappointment. But 20 days later I came back Marseille with some hopes. I was kinda assured about my defense date and i got two job interviews. Life is filled with ups and downs. We should never be affected by downs, but when you were at downs, it is really difficult to see ups.
After twins and turns, I defensed in March and finally I went ahead of that 3 years. I had fun during that period, but I really need to get out of it. I was really happy. And then i need to decide where to go after. I had three job offers at that moment, but sometime it is not good to have options. As you all know, i end up with belgium. I would never think about if i made another decision. But in March, I even had a list of pros and cons.
Without a thorough plan, I went to tibet in May. I always wanted to go there, but there were always this or that stopping me. Why can we just do something without thinking? The trip was fantastic, and it was far greater than i expected. I spend my birthday there, which was the first time in my life without family and friends. I always said, it is good that a person can still keep saying this is the first time I am doing blahblah..the older you are, the rarer you could say this..isn't it true?
When i got back from the trip, a friend offered me a surprise present to Barcelona's music festival. How could I say no to my favorite city's music festival? I went to Barcelona with my jet-lagged body. I partied like a madwoman for two whole nights. And then the rest of June was about farewell. With the "high school goggles" (from Robin in HIMYM), I was so attached to the people there and the city itself. I won't forget the day when i took the train to belgium, I cried more than half an hour. People on the train must think what was wrong with this crazy chinese girl. So probably not because of high school goggles, I was in love but i just didn't want to admit. By the way, I don't believe love, never ever.
The work is Okay, the city is nice, and the people i met are lovely. The second of 2011, i keep changing myself to get used to belgium style. I am usually a slow person, but this time i must say i adjusted quite efficiently.
I went to berlin, and the first time i missed a flight..not my fault; i went back marseille, and everything was the same but different for me...am i too sentimental; i went to new york..a snow in october..and i lost my jack..time to say goodbye:(
I wish i could have resolutions for the new year...fortunately i don't have any..no danmmit even single one. I am keeping my procrastination, laziness, carelessness, dry sense of humor, and whatever part of me. Why do we need to make changes? Changes happen themselves anyway...as human being..let's just follow the flow.
It is not too late to make a 2011 review, anyway we are still in January. Moreover I am a chinese, chinese new year is coming.
I have no expectation for 2012. No expectation, no disappointment. The simpler, the happier.
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