The saddest marriage wish..to my best friend

Last Friday, my best friend's wedding, i was not there. Friends were using a smart phone application to broadcast all details to me, photos, audios and videos. But still, I felt sad.

She and I were really close friends, no actually she is my sister. We met each other in junior high school. Since then we have shared every step in our life, joyfulness, sadness, tears, achievement, and growing. I always think that I would be her bridemate, cry at her wedding, and enjoy her happiness. But the reality was, I was not even at her wedding.

I could have been there, but half of the practical difficulties, half of my propensity, I didn't go back China for her wedding. That day, I was sick physically and also emotionally. When I saw all those wedding pictures, I was stacked in the office with my work on slides deck. But my mind was in China at that wedding where I was supposed to be.

She is becoming a mum also. She will be in a completely new stage of life, which is far away from my imagination. I feel like I am still the one needed to be taken care of, and she will be responsible for another human being's life, which is something I am so afraid of.

Right now in my life, I am so scared by all kinds of commitment. In my dictionary, commitment means long term plan. I don't have any long term plan. For example, I could pack all my things and run away to another city without any problem. I am single, I don't have any mortgage and I am a contractor. Of course, I gonna miss all my friends. But real friends will stay in touch wherever you are. I say all this easily, but actually emotionally I am such a weak person. I don't know how to detach people, things and expectations. At the same time, nothing is eternal. I will eventually detach from all things I used to. This is another reason why I am scared by commitment. But deep in my heart, I know how I look forward about commitment. What a conflict personality!

I wish she will be always happy. But there is no forever thing on this planet. She will be get hurt in whatever kinds of ways. But right now, it is enough that she is happy.

Her marriage, in certain way, cracked my world. She announced the marriage by surprise, and one month later she told me that she got pregnant. Everything was just so fast. I kept the distance from all the things she was telling me. I pretended that I don't care. I thought I could be unmoved by life, however, never ever.

"Everyone seems to be afflicted with sorrow.
Even me.
Everyone has problems, some solvable, some insurmountable.
Even me.
Everyone needs a glimmer of hope to egg them on.
Even me.
Stop thinking that I have it all good. Because I don't."

The picture here is what she put during her wedding. Another friend took it from the big screen. I wish we could smile like that now, deep from heart..and be truly happy!