Fear of aging

One of my favorite books “Tuesday with Morrie” has one chapter talking about aging. In the book, 70++ years old Morrie told 30++ years old Mitch “…I embrace aging…it’s very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you’d always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two. Aging is not just decay…the truth is, part of me is every age”. That’s why Morrie is so special. If you ask me what I fear the most, there is no doubt, it is aging.

What I am afraid of aging are not only just about physical aging, of course, I wish I will never see any wrinkles on my face and my body and I will always have good sight and hearing, but also mental aging. You must complain that your grandma cannot use skype with you; you must also be annoyed when you just about to have a party night, the neighbor old couples knocked your door and asked you be quite; you must wonder that what old people could do every day and night. Yes we could see that old people seem more stubborn and close minded, I mean generally. I am more afraid myself become like that – refuse to accept new technology, envy young generation, and lose curiosity.

You can always convince me that I won’t become one of that, but are you sure?

Monday I went to see the movie “the best exotic marigold hotel”, which talks about a bunch of aging people went to India with all different purposes and ended up happily. It is a comedy, but English humor with aging people, definitely more like a bitter sweet one. The movie tried to tell us whatever the age people are, they could have their own happy life. But the truth is how difficult it is.

Those people who don’t know me very well probably will be surprised by what I am going to say in the following. I wish I could die when I turn into 50, ideally by accident. 50 is the perfect age to enjoy everything and not become into a crazy old human being. Anyhow, dying is not scary. “Living unhappily is something else”. I don’t mean aging equal to living unhappily, however mostly. Who knows, maybe I gonna be a super happy old lady living forever ever and ever.

But I don’t want to hide my fear of aging. I really don’t like becoming old. Besides “when you are old, you have the special smell”, like forgetfulness, and it is not particularly nice:(

My heart is an elephant

Lindsay got dumped at the last second day of 2010. She called her sister Lily, who was in Paris at that moment. Lily was waked up by Lindsay's call at 5am at new year eve, and she immediately knew that there were something wrong. In fact, when Lily caught up her phone and opened her eyes, she even didn't know where she was. She was completely drunk the night before, and ended up with a random guy who was hitting on her. Lily is completely opposite from her sister Lindsay, who is a super nice girl and never has any experience of one night stand. Lily was not surprised at all about her sister's experience before the new year eve. She told Lindsay millions of time "to be nice means to be dumped", but nobody can be changed. Lindsay was crying over the phone "what is wrong with me, I just cannot make a guy stay with me, and what would I do for the damned new year eve", and Lily consoled her "men love bitches, but you are not." Similar conversations continued over 2 hours, till that random guy was kicking the door of bathroom.

Lily is a self-employed photographer and columnist. She never stayed a place more than 3 months, and kept this kind of life for more than 10 years already. There was no single place which would stop her, as well as men. While, Lindsay had stayed in Chicago for 5 years. Within these 5 years, first she spend 2 years with an asshole, and then one year with a nice guy but terrible future mother in law. After that, she hadn't had a really long relationship. She was always the one who involved a lot and was dumped at the end. Lindsay never thought that there was something in common between she and her sister. After all these experiences, she knew that they both don't believe love.

When Lindsay hung up the phone, the first thing she did was booking the earliest flight to Paris. She arrived her hotel close to champs elysees at 10pm. She called Lily and told her that she was in Paris. Lily was astonished. She used to think her sister as a predictable person, and she would never expect that Lindsay would fly Paris to spend her new year eve. They arranged to meet at the closest metro station to Eiffel tower.

Lindsay wore her most beautiful makeup and sexiest dress walking out of her hotel. She could hear whistles around her and guys were hitting on her. But she felt disgusting and repulsion. She is a cute girl but she never used her cuteness to attract guys. She wishes the guy who would like to be with her just because of who she is from inside to outside. But all these guys at that moment on the street were absolutely stupid in her mind just because of her outlooking. However, Lily used her beauty superlatively and kept all her relationship strictly physical.

Lindsay couldn't call a taxi, because all taxis in Paris at new year eve were busy. When she hardly walked to the metro station with her 15cm high heel shoes, she was pissed off by the fact that metro system was crashed at that moment in Paris. Finally she was mad when she tried to call her sister, because telecommunication system was not working as well. Tears were filled in her eyes. Few minutes before her heart was an elephant when she looked down all those stupid guys. But now she was still that Lindsay, weak, sensitive, naive, innocent, and helpless. She saw an huge elephant was out of her body and run away. Only 15 minutes left to midnight, the only thing she could think about was going to a place around people, the closest one champs elysees.

There were millions of people on champs elysees, but Lindsay knew nobody. Moreover, there was even no clock to show the time. Lindsay looked her watch, which was still Chicago time 7 hours and couple minutes before the midnight. It was ridiculous to see all people around were looking at their watches or cellphones. She closed eyes and let tears finally drop down. She felt somebody wipe her tear, and opened her eyes. Lily was standing in front of her. No words to say, they hugged and kissed each other. Nobody really cared that 2010 had passed, and there were even no counting down.

"You know, there was an elephant beside you, therefore, I found out you in this huge crowd."

New Year Eve...what's that

31st, Dec, 2010, the last day of a shitty year, Lucy is sitting in front of computer and trying to summary what happened in the past 364 days.

She fxxxing hates new year eve, what is the purpose to celebrate the date going from the 31st to the 1st, it doesn't make any sense to her. But as a kitsch as she describes herself, she has to do the celebration, and she cannot be cool to stay at home watching a simple movie, or just lying on the bed. She remembered last year, after counting down at the biggest plaza in Milan, she and some new friends she met that day spend 3 hours in a taxi queue and the fxxxing club was closed when they arrived at 3am as some brainless stupids vomited vodka Red Bull all over her back. The next day, noting has changed, but she was in a disgusting mess and she waked up somewhere with bunch people she cannot remember single faces right now.

She also remembered the year before the last year, she was queuing six deep at a bar full of fannies into her eyeballs. She hadn't entered the bar at the last second of counting down, and she didn't see any friends of her. Therefore, she kissed a ballbag standing behind her.

Nothing ever good happened in the new year eve to her, but she was still planning to do something to kill her new year eve. She even bought a fancy dress, very sexy and fxxxing hot, but she knew already next year 2011 is not going to be HER year. Shit still happens like the past 2010. She probably gonna put all the disappointments, near misses, embarrassing moments, dead kitties, burnt dinners and regrettable encounters as what she is doing now 365 days later.

Then what really happened to her? She shrugged, and just felt nothing, which means it just fxxxed up.

She has a theory called "No B". She thought that in fact people will never feel disappointed till they can compare to the others. So if in our lives, by any chance we find A really bad, her suggestion is to stick on it and never try to find B to compare. For example, she doesn't like the city A now she is living, no she dislikes A, no no she hates A, then she decides before she gets a real chance to finally leave this city, and she will never go to visit or stay in another city B. Because she believes she will be pissed off when she comes back from B. She had a terrible relationship with a guy, who treated her like a peace of shit. Then she sticked to him three years and never tried to meet some others. This theory probably comes from her memory in high school. She never felt herself not pretty till high school, when all the other gals got some love letters from stupid boys but not herself. Caparisons are the worst things happening to her, and she used to evade from them.

She thinks people might sometimes treat her as a stupid girl, but she doesn't care. She knows that she just have a Peter Pan in her body, who never wants to grow up. She hates to become sophisticated, if it means that people should have double faces, lie each other and stab on the other backs. She wish that she will never be like this, but there is no fxxxing never land as a novel.

Anyway she is a false optimism. She will say to everybody, "2011 is going to be the best year EVER! Whoo!!!". Then let it fxxx, and do another summary next year.

"We start oaf wi high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise we're aw gaunnae die, withoot really findin oot the big answers". Nothing is really true, but nothing is really false.

My A-Z of Christmas

Abroad

Bored

Calm

Dawn

Eat

Family

Gingerbread

Homesick

Idealist

Journey

Kindness

Lonely

Momentary

Neckerchief

Or nothing to say

Presents

Quietness

Reunion

Saintly

Tears

Unawareness

Very very homesick

Winter

Xmas

Yummy

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz